Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Insecure Writers' Support Group 4 September 2019

September question: If you could pick one place in the world to sit and write your next story, where would it be and why? 

This is the place, Boys and Girls. The big items are going there Friday. Technically, the place is owned by my son's father. He bought it with inheritance money. It cost $90,000 and yes, it's a real fixer-upper. It's also 4500 square feet of Unique, and it was our last chance to stay in Colorado. Denver and Boulder are way too expensive. 

Grover is a literal ghost town in the tri-state area (Colorado, Nebraska, Wyoming.)

It's way out on the Lone Prairie.

It is the first place that I feel like I'll be able to call home. For my entire life, I've felt like my house was built on quicksand. This place feels like I belong, although, technically it's not mine. I'll have a space for me, and I feel sort of useful even though I am rather disabled at this point. I can still drive and will be as helpful as I can in every way I can.

Also, I've got my new pals Ghost Town Grover and Cactus Clem to help me along the way. 

Other than the old Grover Hotel, my Death Cheese Road Manager alter-ego Cie Cheesemeister would do her writing in her suite at Rock Ranch, in her suite aboard the revamped Sulaco, or on her private mess of a spacecraft, the Titanity.

You don't want to take a ride on the Titanity. Trust me on this.


Don't forget to visit and bookmark the Good Stuff from Grover website! Grover is busy stocking his Ghostly General Store, and I (the Ornery Old Lady) am trying to get the bookstore and library up to snuff. If you purchase anything through one of our Amazon links, I get a modest commission, which helps pay for things like illustrations for my forthcoming book, Ed's Red Wheelbarrow, or toward renovations on the Grover Hotel!

Monday, September 2, 2019

About Cie Monday + Inspire Me Monday #241+ Promote Yourself Monday + Carpe Diem Acts of Devotion 2019: Adam's Peak

I can only dream
of walking up Adam's Peak
body compromised


Once we are fully moved into our new home, I would like to begin practicing remote viewing again. I will also be taking daily walks to the park and hope to increase my endurance enough to be able to walk from one end of the main street to the other. Grover is a very small town, so I don't want you-all thinking: "Wow, Cie, impressive goal walking twenty miles!" 
I would also like to rehabilitate myself to the point where I can walk up a set of stairs without having to pull myself up using the banister or to lean against an opposite wall to support myself. However, one thing I need to avoid is making this a shame-based goal, i.e. calling myself a loser because I need to support myself to climb stairs. We are taught from the time we are very young that it is shameful to be in a lesser state of physical ability than a competition class athlete, and I'm not being particularly hyperbolic when I say this. It's horrible.
Your physical abilities and disabilities are not a marker of success or worthiness. They are simply conditions that exist.
With physical therapy, I was able to bring my left arm back to a state of functionality where I'm not in constant debilitating pain. I still don't have the full range of motion in the arm. I am not a better person for having an arm that functions reasonably well than I was when I had an arm that I could barely use, and having an arm that was fully functional and had normal sensations would not make me a better person than I am now.
Physical ability is not a hallmark of greater worth, and physical disability is not something that people should be punished for.

Visit us at We're nearly there! The moving truck comes Friday!

Sunday, September 1, 2019

The Crazy Cheerleading Camp's Come as You Are Party: Hoarding Hurts

Image by Frank Winkler from Pixabay

This is one of those "it doesn't get any realer than this" posts, and I will tell you right now that this wound is one of those that may be healing around the edges but it isn't closed. It's still raw, and any unsympathetic or hateful bullshit will either be outright deleted or the sanctimonious sack of crap saying it will be ripped a new asshole. Choose your words carefully, and if you feel the need to be judgy, ask yourself what exactly you're getting from being that way.

I have had a problem my entire life: a problem which I was pretty well forced to keep secret, which meant that rather than being dealt with, it festered and grew out of control. Shit shows like "Hoarders" sure as hell didn't help, they just created a forum for people who don't understand the problem to say crap like: "I'm going to watch "Hoarders" now. At least my house isn't that messy--LOL!"

My thought regarding "Hoarders" has always been:
"And next up, just look at what those whacky Schizophrenics are doing this week! Woo-hoo! It's so great to look down our noses at people with mental health problems, isn't it, Folks?"

Hoarding is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (which I have in other forms as well). It is not a sign of "laziness." Having hoarding disorder is exhausting. People with hoarding disorder try to clean and get rid of things but crippling, obsessive thoughts take over. Medication helps some people, but others (myself included) can't tolerate the side effects of medication.

Finally, with sympathetic help from my son, we got rid of a storage unit which was costing us close to $400 per month. We did move some of the items to a smaller, cheaper storage unit. We still have a dilapidated mobile home full of items to go through. In packing for our move, we have gotten rid of a lot of trash, but there are some cases where we boxed things to deal with when we are in our new, more stable environment.

The "normal" people in my life never helped me with this problem. Instead, they shamed me for being "lazy," came into my home and threw things out willy-nilly, which traumatized me, and then commanded me to "never let this happen again." It took a young autistic man (my son) to help me start getting an actual grip on a very serious problem. My son is a planner, and he has helped me develop a realistic plan. Together, we are getting through this.

 I was having a panic attack this morning looking at the haphazard shelf and pile of junk in front of me. My son and I worked on it together. We ended up with many bags full of garbage and recycling. There are some boxes which contain stuff which people who don't struggle with this crap condition would have been able to dispense with without a qualm, but they are coming with us to be dealt with in the new place.

One constant in my adult life is always feeling that my house was built on quicksand. Everything was always temporary. I would hope for new situations to work out, and they inevitably fell apart. I did not know until I was almost 40 years old the magnitude or nuances of the neuro-psychological anomalies I was dealing with. I often wonder what could have been if I had been treated with compassion instead of disdain and if I had learned coping skills at a younger age.

Before you judge, educate yourself.
Now you know a little more than you did before about a person who doesn't quite fit into a world with very rigid rules for "rightness."

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Saturday, August 31, 2019

Fearless Thinking, Stress-Free Living Exercises: An Experiment

Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book for review purposes.

I am currently reading the above book as a member of the Online Book Club review team and have decided to take part in some of the exercises and see if I find them helpful. I already like the book well enough that I feel confident in recommending that you preview it and see if you might benefit from it as well.

I have decided to participate in the first recommended exercise, which involves recording one's thoughts for a minute four times a day. I can't promise that I'll do this four times a day, but I can commit to doing it daily. I will sometimes share these thoughts.

This is not a writing exercise. It is not meant to be edited. It is a means of determining where the mind is currently focused. Here is my first entry.

Unedited thoughts, one minute
08/29/2019 16:12

The bandage on my finger is making me feel crazy.
Will this stupid wart dissolve?
My ankle hurts, my right foot hurts. 
It feels like there is something sticky on my fingers.
Will things be all right after we move?
Will we actually start eating better?
Why the hell can't I just finish packing? What's stopping me?
I'm worried about the move.

I'm not going to try to analyze this very much. Lots of worry and trepidation is the theme of the moment, and I can't say I'm surprised.


Monday, August 19, 2019

Changes are Coming--Get Ready!

Hello, Delivered People!

As you can see by the dates, I was having trouble deciding what I was going to do with this blog and whether I was going to keep it at all.

When I first started the blog, I was working with Indeed Crowd to spread the word about healthcare jobs. Indeed Crowd folded. At that point, I had just started delivering food and was involved with a number of survey programs. I'm still involved with some of them, but just how much can you talk about that?

I started participating in blog hops and found that many of the blogs out there are fashion-oriented. Well, I am hardly what people think of when they think of a model, so I found it a bit discouraging. Plus, I had moved most of my posts about food and the like over to my Good Stuff From Grover blog, so this blog no longer seemed to have any purpose.

You can ask anyone who knows me, I'm not one to throw things out. I had a year until the next payment for this domain was coming due, so I figured I could sit on the blog till then, and if any inspiration leaped to mind, I've got a site right here ready for repurposing.

It came to me, like a flash, like a vision.

The thing that bothered me about the fashion blogs was not the fact that they were about fashion, although I'm something of the anti-fashion chick because of having very little money, being old and tired, and not being conventionally attractive or anywhere near the same zip code as thin.

The thing that bothered me about the fashion blogs was that so many of them were focused on being thin and conventionally attractive and physically fit in a certain way rather than being a blog for Everywoman. So, I decided that once I am settled in my new home, I'm going to repurpose this blog as a fashion blog for Everywoman.

Granted, since I am a large person, many of the posts will be about finding cool things to wear as a big gal. None of these posts will be about trying to make myself look thinner or about hiding my various rolls and bumps. I don't believe in stuffing myself into undergarments which make me feel like I'm a sausage or in stupid claims such as "tummy tamer" or "hip hider." Let's face it, when your build is Whole Lotta Rosie rather than Skinny Minnie, you ain't gonna be able to hide them hips, Child, and I say, if you've got it, flaunt it. Also, the only way my "tummy" ever needs to be "tamed" is if it's malfunctioning in some way, i.e. heartburn. I've got Zantac for that.

I did not come to this point of self-acceptance with being a large person in a society which loathes large people overnight. Far from it. I have a history of eating disorders starting when I was twelve years old and became bulimic because I was devastated that my developing hips were too wide to continue wearing my (child's) size nine jeans. I thought of myself as disgustingly fat.

There are a couple of problems with this way of thinking, and neither of them is on me or any other girl who has been pushed to think this way.

First, I was, at that point, wearing a ladies' size one pants. I weighed about 105 pounds and stood about five foot three.

Second, it doesn't matter what I weighed. No-one should ever be pushed to think that their body is bad or wrong. No-one. Not ever.

I did the Disordered Eating Dance and the Yo-Yo-Dieting Dance for the next 33 years. Admissibly, ED still rears his ugly head sometimes, but I will never again dance the Yo-Yo Dieting Dance. It's a bad tune and it never did me a damn bit of good. Truth be told, I had to stop dieting so I wouldn't gain more weight.

Here is what happens with dieting in most cases.

The dieter loses weight the first few times they diet. After a point, particularly if the dieter has endocrine issues, i.e. hypothyroidism or PCOS, the dieter stops losing weight. It doesn't matter if they only eat 500 calories a day. They will still not lose weight. Diets don't work long-term for more than approximately five percent of the population, but don't take my word for it. Check out these sites for the scientific facts.

In any case, I'm planning to turn this into my own fashion and fitness/health blog, because fashion isn't only for the slim, wealthy and conventionally attractive, and fitness and health are not only for those who can approximate the fitness levels of elite athletes.

I'm not big on rules, but, unfortunately, since fat hate is normalized and even encouraged, there are a few I will have to enforce.

1) No concern trolling. Not ever. I don't care how "concerned" for someone's "health" you are. Let's face it, your "concern" is not about their "health" in the first place. Go be "concerned" in your own space. Your "concern" is not welcome here.

2) I shouldn't have to say this, but there will be absolutely, positively, no size shaming allowed. To reiterate what I just said from a slightly different angle, no fat-shaming, and, on the flip side of the coin, no thin praising. Thin shaming is not welcome either. Don't size shame, mmmkay?

3) No diet talk. Not ever. I don't give a flying monkey's butt about your diet. 

4) No weight talk. People gain and lose weight for a variety of reasons. It's none of anyone else's business.

5) Fuck "flattering." Flattering is code for "it makes you look thinner." Around here, "flattering" doesn't fly.

6) What it says at the top of this post. All women are real, and all bodies are good bodies. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

I hope to have some fabulous fatshion to model for y'all in the not too distant future. Please keep in mind that I am not a model, although I have done some modeling in the past. Butt nekkid, for art classes, and no, I was not young, thin, or pretty at the time. I'm not going to be doing any butt nekkid modeling here, though. All pictures will be of the clothed variety.

In the meantime, do yourself a favor and check out the only diet that I will ever endorse. 

Be back soon!


Sunday, July 28, 2019

Come as you Are: J.O.B. to Poor but Free

Image by Grae Dickason from Pixabay

This poem describes very well how I felt about being in the Employee Mindset for nearly 40 years. The line "grey upon greyness" is particularly evocative.

That's exactly how I feel about the Life of an Employee working a J.O.B., which I did from the time I was 16 years old until this year when my disabilities knocked me out of the working life for good. (I'm 54 now and am working from home.)

There were some things about the jobs I did that I liked, but, overall, it was an extremely soul-destroying situation. I absolutely felt like I had to give up bits of myself all the time.

I certainly don't like living in poverty, which I am at this point. However, one thing is true which it never was when I was working a J.O.B. (stands for Just Over Broke). I am really and truly myself, not someone else's servant. On a soul level, that is tremendously freeing.


Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Real Cie Reviews: Four Funny Potatoes

I hope that you will consider taking a look at my exclusive review for Four Funny Potatoes at the Online Book Club website. This book is appropriate for children ages three to seven. My review is mostly positive.
Disclaimer: I received a free ebook copy of this book for review purposes.